The Boy Crisis

Newsmaker Interviews
Wednesday, June 6th

Transcript - Not for consumer use. Robot overlords only. Will not be accurate.

Doctor Warren Farrell author about the bully crisis thank you so much for us for coming on. I ripped through some things he's here and get the get the idea. But for our audience who has no idea on who you are what's going on I'm the first what kind of doctor are you. Hey. OK and I'll what do you laden guy is my question equities specialize in my column that. Cruelest. Fifty years or so I have specialized didn't male female relations I guess I just keep that took us two things I. I'm mad I'm engaged in the hopelessly activity try to get men and women to understand each other. Oh boy so I think that's just sing it into that includes the Phillies for unemployment. You're right you've got the Venus and Mars and I'd take exactly I think that at the grit and I'm Andy's just so you took the boy crisis what's this all about. It would. In junger and he should be different market and time gray obviously is the author of the book a lot of minutes from Mars women are from Venus and he's the co author of said the play crisis. And so I started this looking at this slim down. One of my past books certain but the club in the city male power wish translated into other languages demonstrate its. Traveling around the country in the world than hearing from one in one country has to the other that you know. Parker are actually doing pretty well but you know show my mission is having a lot of problems since I started to look at that that's. And and found that in the in the sixty largest developed nations had. Irish boys were fully behind girls in every single academic subjects. Financial terms asking myself what is there about developed nations found that that is is making this happen. And has found that indeed it was happening with two groups of people. Bully thing girls who were children of divorced. Who when they got to force has very minimal or no father involvement. And boys and girls who were around this sons and daughters of mother is who were single mom sued devers has fathers involved or have other involved. But the father was involved for a few years so then they hadn't she issue is if America can listen that. Lack of bond created. But disconnect between the father and the and the mothers and the children were basically left without a father. And so I just looking at work closely inserted asking myself for what it says. You know what exactly is the damage that is done when there isn't a lot of father involvement. And it was able to identify and document more than seventy different areas ways that children suffer from being much more likely to be depressed for the be more likely to commit suicide to be more likely to drop out of school to be more likely she is. The to relinquish some chick commit crimes. And that ended in joy nice finish. And it was really just must punishing them more likely to rape out of anger every every nightmare that it carried this. I was so much more likely to happen when my child didn't have a significant amount of father involvement. And so the began to investigate and ask lives qualification you know what was their ballot tests do that's different from what moms do that to be that allowed them to be. So much more effective experience. When the two of those when the true parents work together as opposed to one billion out of the picture. And then a two point on the next my question is dom. It's the boy crisis but analysts say you have maybe and a daughter was you know a finalist and the sentiment that I'm. Are they are girls sect at the same way. It affected the same way from different ways but not to the degree that are sentence are affected. And so for example even look at the Department of Housing and Urban Development was very concerned about people being involved list. In poor areas essentially establish a huge it's detriment to. It's it's poverty and the poor schools systems words to use actually into the children's. So they took 171000. Families and they don't subsidize them to move to better neighborhoods and better schools. The girl posted significantly better simple Asian did war which. Do they were showed. To protest about losing their old friends and not state didn't have this as good an emotional skills. To develop new friends. And and so they hear the day they went downhill of the girls planned cocktails. And this is certain that metaphor they created in just pure scientific terms this is really amazing that they have been saying here now. Is it telomeres which turned it ports figures show. If this if there is this if they don't reproduce twelve kilometers still reproduce well. You she get the genes that are they cure for cancer are secure from heart disease do not get reproduced. So this shortly utility Mears. This year that shorten your life expectancy is by the age of nine well by the age of nine children who have minimal or no father's involvement. Have 14%. Shorter telomeres meaning afford keep predicting a 14% shorter life expectancy. Maybe they there's a male female difference. That may you know to live mayors and police to let me assist the Asian nine. Our 40% shorter than the girls chilly there is already agent going can you send them you know amazing insight. In actuality. The impact of a lack of father involvement is. I'm both girls and boys but that I think greater impact that it is boys because and just common sense by Taylor a a board with a girl without father involvement still has turned our mother has a role model instead of being a female. I'll Wear this the boy without further involvement does not has that role model. So both heard significantly culture particularly in the area. Their relationships with boys they're far more likely to have. Section much more quickly in order because they don't happen that's nuanced understanding of attitude. How to be able to keep the boy. Except to note to be able to be factual within. Or conversely they're so afraid of connection with boys that they can't the either. Involved intimacy wise. And in terms of psychological intimacy and they also can't be involved essentially. And so. Actually it's it's the girls. Who don't have father involvement tend to check both extremes being very factual too quickly. Or not factual. Or intimates as soon enough because there aren't comfortable they don't know and that's about voice. To and other creative good connections. So biologically. A full family is odd as it is really important I guess to. You know to boys and girls I mean I'm I guess the big question I had a hearing through this and he is speak about. Marriage and and keeping the family together and you know and just working things out they think a lot of things you sit here was about. It's it's not you know people don't get divorced over bills and things like that they get divorced because they don't talk to each other about these things. Yes exactly people did not get to force over many of the facts and things like that they get to force over their inability to communicate about money and sex. And so we really want to change. The boy crisis and. One of the things it would be really helpful is to start communication classes. In first second in third grade and to also trained parents. To know how to communicate in this single biggest Achilles heel for human beings. It's our inability. To handle personal criticism. From loved ones without becoming defensive. I'm especially that personal criticism that given badly. And almost always anyone think for any criticism given by the level has given badly hit in the EQ you really focus on being able to. Alter aren't psychological receptivity. To criticism and that's I don't teach courses in the apple around the country. And it's extremely hard to do it takes me good 1012 hours of workshop work. I was couple's situation has to all through there a way of being able to hear hear criticism but if you can't hear if you if you if you utility. A few aren't able to communicate about the tough problems between the two if you. Then the father thinks that he has the best since the problem the most I think she has the best dancer and the two of them think that they're bad parents because. The mother the father feels the mother say it's overprotective of their mother feels that the father's. Left passing and chief feels like pushy when these trucks I think she just has one more child to monitor and the father doesn't know that when he left out of the isn't he he doesn't. Do is homered to get a read books site whether it's simply crisis trading at a book of the territory. He doesn't read those books and find out what is there about rough housing that leads to my children to know. When wind is goes too far when it doesn't what's the difference between being assertive. And being aggressive. Can what is the he doesn't explain to mom. That would that would Iraq has for the child that creates a bond and that bond them able to use of leverage. To witness to enforce standards limitless saying. We don't know I think until mountains entry officially here your homework couldn't pressure keep didn't get everything ready for better do your chores. And this child is so deep desire it shut getting back and processing again and outing or playing together we have nice story too before bed time. That this year he's focus is on the work that they need to do. In order to get what they want to rush passing and and that teaches the child postpone gratification to do what you need to do before you get what you want. And without postpone gratification postpone gratification of the single biggest ingredient. To becoming successful without postpone gratification the child that goes into school. It doesn't do his homework well. Because they're distracted by text or distracted by new video game opportunity it's. And the and then and then mr. actually ashamed of themselves because they don't do their work well they are not standing had a close of the students. That chain begins to lead to withdrawal and says things like video games are important. And I'm and the child starts to feel that more and more depressed and negative about himself and his ability to have real life relationships. So this is a cycle that they and it could end start basically with bomb with the parents not communicating to each other how would you say. Hi is more important to have constructive criticism or as a more important to be able to take criticism. It's actually it's a really good question. It is. I think the the biggest Achilles heel is their inability to handle personal criticisms criticisms are very tricky thing. The person giving criticism. Almost never she herself for himself. As criticizing and they see themselves as making a suggestion. To improve. The situation or their relationship. Depression and depression the Syrian. Any suggestions for change in attitude or change in behavior. Christian church suffering himself. As being criticized. And so that people often that that people wolf essentially you're actually you're always criticizing me. And the person the other person has what it means I'm not criticizing you at all. I'm just making this suggestions for improvement and that that's it's that's the this person who received some suggestions you couldn't. You come home from shopping and from there and you get forty different items. And somebody says you your partner says she is a cliche that missile of course there's no credit than the vast scale and we can't sit there skillet and refrigerators so easily. And so. You know depression coming home feel like she's and now the person making suggestions feels this is making good suggestion for vets. And more efficient refrigerator the other person feel that's I've gotten for the items the when you make any comment about is the one that's that's the wrong one this doesn't feel like a real great incentive just to to do more shopping. You know I've actually been there I'm she got a half gallon of milk and I was like you know money just get a gallon. And I had a one downhill from there collection kit and I think I did it was just like I am I don't wanna have to go out and buy another half gallon milk later it was a bit easier and it's not. And this is a subject for a new book for you but he a politically pond I C a lot of that it will people wanna talk about Tom. And even in the talk about this is don't want to but the president. How people bring him up you have one side that would say like on its almost like they're criticizing. But they think that they're trying to make a way for to be better but the heavier side but here's like the criticism and that's all these years so they think that. He's thinking negatively but somewhere in the middle you know is on its people with good intentions it's just that we kind of actually both sides are on our death to that. Absolutely and we've certainly seen that definition in this culture today that probably in the as divided as it's been referred. Maybe since the civil war. You know this is really didn't the the instability here for people. Is very natural it's biologically natural falling in love is biologically natural. Sustaining love is biologically a natural and then one of the ways for the financial is is that we are willing to seek suggestions for improvements. Every it's biologically natural to interpret those as criticism and that's because. And if historically speaking and biologically speaking. If you had a kinship network or tribes and you heard criticism that bag yourself from the that the tribe. What you get if you want is to survive you appreciate that happened to be an enemy if you got a few differences. And you and you he tried that for you kill the criticize you be put to criticize or kill give. And that was that's the survival. But today if you can you know if your partner is and what makes this suggestion they knew that and you incentives. Kill your partner different partner kill you because you feel has been that if she just suited to criticism that connects emotionally Killian. Then then that becomes so away. Not allowing your partner to feel safe for sharing. But what she or he needs to share. In order to make a better relationship and so myself because just biologically a natural the training that you admit workshops. If you get people to. Two only critics only share their major concerns. During a short period of time during the week. The rest of the week is conflict free zone and then during this short period of time. They focused on. Hearing what their partner. Needs just saying and of that that before they do that. They all turned their psychological state. By doing a series of medications that. Can pick and choose their partner's love and so this the last step partner kids the person receiving the criticism cheap here. Much more openly. That type of a natural work needs to be done. In order to do something that is you know it's biologically financial to become defensive this just is not constructive but anyway. All of those things. The lack of good that's good communication. Leads to the divorces in the divorce is believed to have the lack of other involvements. And so a huge amount needs to be done. To compensate for that schools need to be getting more fathers didn't more more men involved as teachers. We need to be getting down more vocational education in schools and more recessions schools. Finish so much that needs to be done. We persuasive when children go from a mother only family. Two female dominated school system with this a feminization of education. That combination doesn't leave the mail with any type the support system. So how to channel his testosterone and constructively. And when police still learned to channel there could as the testosterone constructively. They tend to channel it destructive ways so that's what. An increase of almost every. Member of anxious. Is a child without first significant father involvement. And almost all your school shooters and your mash shooters. There are highly likely to it has significant lack of father involvement. I see here on that I'm in you list are a couple and a lot. A vial of the shootings where people are fatherless on the what are the questions I had reading through all this and some actually texts in and they mentioned on. Like I same sex couples on the how did you do any research or do you know anything about may be link us to father households to mother households and how that affects on the child. We saw in the nascent stages of a researcher that a lot of read a lot of research says. Gay parents do really well. A lot of research says gay parents do not to really go out. And when you look at the research using his from the gay advocacy group with that was that the where they try and that is that the parents do really well. And from certain I'm anti hadn't gay marriage group that you find the other data that we don't have a look that's. Long term data look at what we do know. Is just as a rule parents said that go against enormous that I highly self select each other whether there. Single fathers for example the children do which really well with single fathers. But as best based win this single father is married and the mother. Is militias think the other nations said. And fathers bring up children predominantly it's the children do well it'll if they're married image and they. And the and the mother stayed connected to the children which mother is almost always do. And I didn't. Gay families. We don't have a good long term data because there hasn't been seeing a lot of stable gave families that have great children they have grown up to be adults. So we've been able to see the pattern of an and it will we have had large enough numbers. To control for social economic there are very able and other things that might cause. Different however what we do know is that in all populations where. There are people who are self selected like gave turn first shots selected their highly motivated. And so they're usually get to be very focused on their children and very conscious of their parenting. And so there's a good chance that there will that this that the children will probably have. A more positive experience because of that that's shot selection and high motivation. And so interesting and not either of the entire distance of the showed today is on. As a show about odd graduating and com advice for graduates and what happens if there's in a school or college or whatever on how little does. This and maybe Arty kind of hit on it how does it. This particular the boy crisis. Affect like graduation rates and success later on in life. Yes if you it's that students here graduate. Then the chances are fairly good day here already under way. If you if you selecting a partner. And anything I I think here's some things to watch out for. I'm ask yourself let my personality in my personality who when I get married I wanna be on the guy. I wanna be a full time days and and if I do wanna be at full time dad. You've got to make sure that if she's that woman that you select. Is a woman who could really respect a full time father Ed because and she would. Maybe had an aspiration to be what you would call a little woman it's. A woman who had a hot a powerful career I also want to have a good marriage it once had children that are well raise. What you can do that. Did she can do is only a few minutes ago you are. Decide should be what I call father will walk here. As a father who really wants to still overcome the barriers that but discrimination as a shut society has against a full time father. And be involved as a full time father you. Probably redden and deploy crisis broke my story with the other night and he met John Lennon coming up to me and saying. That he joined demand for it has formed. And that the mad men's group led him to and to making a decision to be fully involved with his sentence if if your son Sean. And this and that led him taking off comes they'll work for five years and to be a full time can't. And and at that and nice stimulus sent a good decision for you it's at this point in time shot was only two years old. And so that was why it was the best decision in my life and so we have very powerful people men it was a very good careers. When they do put their time into their children. They find this the most rewarding experience that they've ever has and so that graduates from high school it was a male. He asked himself that question is that what I want to do this that's happened in my personality. But if I do if that's guys. That there are many women who respect if I don't earn as much money as they did have. And they won't even miss a mirror of what has children with many seem desolate the right woman for that and I sort of talk in the bush crisis spoke about. How to go about selecting the right woman. Now for that thank conversing with a woman it's you can ask yourself the question you know if if you know in the woman who wants to be home full time with the children that's one thing. But if you're a woman who wants to break the glass ceiling and do very well then in your career. How big is that you also wanna be married and have children and have to have the race well. This solution is not to be a single mom. Step puts a huge amount of stress and you hit the children. Are far more likely to grow up being disobedient. Non productive. Heading. Talking back he'll be is more likely to feel overwhelmed and stressed. And juggled and who will not have the satisfaction chances are. Well raise children out there mothers single mothers work extremely hard probably harder than almost any other. Concept cup population group. And some children as single mothers do very well but that's the exception rather than the rule you're taking us into a big risk. So there's a lot going on its it was like now we have we have science and biology and all these things are. Are are competing. I'm not and that you know I'm leave that there because I have to take a break. But it's these past everybody wants to want to get your book or maybe your seminar how can we contact you or out or find these things. If the just for the books for public crisis of fiscal and Amazon and very really have a great price for their. But it sure an interest student concluding that the couple's communication has talking about. Do a go to war and farewell dot com us WA RE and Carol as efficient trying to say RO RE LL Warren told us come. Perfect well doctor Warren Farrell author about the boy crisis thank you so much for us for coming on today. It's a real pleasure to finish. I think that this is not thanks.